


The Restaurant

by sleepymarvel



Category: Curb Your Enthusiasm - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Fic, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, aunt may is a seinfeld fan and hilarity ensues, because susie, fair warning, larry david being a chaotic black hole, larry david meets spider-man, larry david would probably hate this and I hope to god he never sees this, peter parker is a good nephew, rated for language, references seinfeld, this is absolutely a crack-fic, this is curb centric tbh but there is plenty of spidey too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24195142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepymarvel/pseuds/sleepymarvel
Summary: Peter Parker, while fighting the Rhino, spots one of his Aunt's favorite celebrities entering a restaurant.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	The Restaurant

**Author's Note:**

> Only warning is for rude humor. Nothing worse than in Curb. If you're not familiar with Curb Your Enthusiasm, it might come off a bit ruder than what's typical in marvel or spider-man. This is primarily a Curb fic. _Strong T rating._  
>  Hope you enjoy!

In the grand scheme of things, it was generally a consistent phenomenon that evenings out with Larry David never ended on a high note. Even when the dinner was relatively good, there was always something that left a bad taste in Susie’s mouth. She supposed, at best, things could end on a medium note. If they managed to get through the outing without everything crashing and burning in the worst and most embarrassing way possible, Susie figured it was a medium note evening. 

It didn’t matter anyway; those were few and far between and Susie knew empirically not to get her hopes up. Despite her opposition to any Larry related dinners, she found herself tagging along with Jeff and Larry that night. As Jeff drove towards the restaurant, Susie wondered how she got herself into this situation.

It was the nanny's fault. Definitely. The reason that she'd been sucked into the black hole that was dinner with Larry David was because there was no food in the fridge at home. The nanny had made dinner for Sammi, left shortly after, and consequentially there was nothing left for either Susie or Jeff to eat for themselves. 

Jeff was convinced that there was some huge conspiracy going on with the nanny stealing their food. He'd talked her ear off about it for an entire hour before she snapped and insisted they go out to eat. Maybe the nanny just happened to have used the rest of the food to make Sammy dinner, Susie concluded, there was no way she was actually _stealing_ their food.

_'That's fucking bullshit!" Susie exclaimed, throwing her hands up exasperated, "You're starting to sound as paranoid as Larry."_

As they got out of their car and made their way over to where they were meeting Larry, Susie had a terrible thought. Jeff would bring up the nanny to Larry. Larry would turn it into an entire production number. Undoubtedly, chaos would follow. 

Chaos always seemed to follow Larry. And Larry always seemed to bring it back home to them. He was most certainly a _black hole of fucking chaos._ Susie would make sure to tell him that next time he pissed her off.

At the same time that Susie and Jeff were greeting Larry David outside the restaurant, there was a giant crash at the end of the block. The Rhino, one of Spider-Man's insane looking zoo animal themed villains, burst out of a giant brick building screaming his head off in his deep angry voice. Spider-Man swung out of the cover of flashy billboards to kick the dude in the head. 

Larry blinked and pointed. They all turned, more apathetic than anything, to stare at the spectacle that was Spider-Man's boss fight. None of them were jarred by the chaos that was occurring. Rather, they were all slightly annoyed by the inconvenience and put off by the disruption to their night. 

“What the hell is he doing here?” Jeff asked, referring to Spider-Man, “Isn’t he signed by New York or something?”

Susie shot her husband a look, “He’s not a fucking baseball player. States don’t _sign_ him. He goes wherever people need him. Are you blind? Do you see that giant deformed Rhino at the end of the street? We need him here.” 

“I’ve never seen him outside of New York.” Jeff said, shrugging. He glanced at Larry, “There’s no reason for him to be here.”

“No reason!” Larry exclaimed, in the air of George Costanza, “This is what I’ve been talking about. These superheroes should stay in their designated cities. Did Superman ever leave Metropolis to fight the Joker? I don’t think so! Spider-Man is _encroaching_ on Los Angeles villains and he’s not even a Los Angeles superhero. It’s unbelievable.”

“You’re right.” Jeff agrees, “It's encroachment. And you know what? Traffic on the way home is going to be a bitch because of this.”

Spider-Man shot webs into the Rhinos eyes, temporarily blinding him. Inside the restaurant, business continued as usual. Outside the restaurant, Susie's eyes were brimming with pent up rage ready to spill over. 

Beside her, Larry shook his head in disappointment at the hero battle occurring down the street. it was as if the battle between the forces of good and the forces of destruction were blatantly against his societal code. 

“Okay, Larry, can we please not make this a thing?” Susie snapped, scowling, clearly not in the mood for one of Larry’s self-proclaimed world changing observations or Jeff’s imminent egging him on. It was getting cold and they were just loitering outside the restaurant like a bunch of weirdos, at least that's how Susie saw it. 

She groaned. Things were already getting chaotic and they hadn’t even sat down yet. This was a new record for Larry. God, she needed a drink.

Larry gave her a look, “A _thing_? What are you talking about a _thing_?”

Her scowl deepened. Jeff took a tentative step away from her. The look she was giving them clearly said; _Explosion imminent. Step out of the blast zone._

“Don’t play fucking stupid Larry. You know what I'm talking about. Can we go inside before we die out here?” 

Larry shrugged, “Whatever. Fine by me. _Your Majesty._ "

“Great. Real great, Larry." Susie stormed ahead of them to confirm their reservation and get their table. Larry swore if they were in a cartoon, her ears would be expelling smoke. 

“What’s she talking about _a thing_?” Larry asked his best friend as soon as Susie was out of ear shot. Jeff knew exactly what she meant by _a thing._ Larry always had to make everything _a thing._ Everyone knew that. Jeff shrugged anyway. He wasn't going to have this back and fourth with Larry David while Spider-Man was kicking some freak of nature in the face just down the street from them. That would just be too weird. 

“I don’t know, just don’t question her before she’s had her glass of wine.”

While the three of them were entering the restaurant, Spider-Man was trying to figure out a way to beat the Rhino. He’d been on a school trip with the Academic Decathlon, to Los Angeles which everyone thought was particularly cool, when the genetically engineered super-villain barreled by Peter's hotel room smashing up the streets like he was a one-man stampede. Peter didn't need to hear the loud rampaging just outside the hotel to know something hero related was going on; Ned was pressed up against the window with his cellphone, vibrating with awe and live streaming excitedly. 

When Ned promised to cover for him in case anybody inquired to his whereabouts, Peter jumped out the hotel window and swung towards the commotion. They'd have to think up an excuse to why Spider-Man had followed his class on all of their school trips in case anybody got suspicious.

Currently, Peter was halfway through his plan to take down the Rhino when he spotted somebody at the end of the block and became distracted. The Rhino took this opportunity to punt him full force into a streetlight. 

Peter was too distracted to feel the bulk of the pain that radiated through him at the impact, but then again, he was also coursing with adrenaline and super powers of the spider variety so that may have played a part too.

Spider-Man stared unabashedly at the source of the distraction, zooming in with the camera in his suit. _Holy shit._ Was Larry David entering a restaurant at the end of the street? _The Larry David who co-created Seinfeld? No way!_

The Rhino began to kick at the pavement behind himself, ready to charge Spidey again. Spidey glanced back at the imminent threat. _Oh no._

“Hey big guy, can we have a time out for a second?” Peter asked sincerely, almost sheepishly, as the Rhino charged towards him, preparing to ram full force into Peter’s body. No use. "I guess not."

Peter barely managed to web himself up to a neighboring streetlight and away from the attack. He sighed in relief. 

“Uh Karen?” Peter asked, dodging another attack from the Rhino, “Quick question.”

Spider-Man did a swing kick and connected with the Rhino's ribs.

“ _Of course._ ” Karen’s automated voice filled Spidey’s suit. “ _How can I help you, Peter_?”

“Am I going crazy or is that Larry David going into that restaurant?”

The Rhino growled and tried to crush Spider-Man against the glass window of a tattoo parlor.

_“You are not going crazy, Peter. That is in fact Larry David. Co-Creator of Seinfeld."_

“That’s so cool!” Peter exclaimed, confusing the Rhino into a further rage, “My Aunt loves Larry David!”

_“Peter, according to my analysis if you kick the Rhino right below the armor grafted to his back, you’ll be able to incapacitate him long enough for the police to arrive.”_

“Cool, thanks Karen!” Spidey webbed up the Rhino in the front, just long enough to hit the spot on his back that Karen had informed him of. The Rhino collapsed and Spidey generously showered him with webs. Just in case. 

Peter swung to Walgreens, bought a pack of Post-It notes in his full Spider-Man get up, and scribbled out a note for the police. 

_**Don’t worry, he’s all webbed up and ready for transport back to the zoo. Be careful, webs dissolve in a couple hours. - New York's friendly neighborhood Spider-Man** _

Peter focused his attention back on the restaurant at the end of the street. Aunt May was a huge Seinfeld enthusiast. She absolutely adored Elaine and she had a box set of Seinfeld DVDs that Uncle Ben had gotten her for her birthday the year before he died. She’d absolutely _die_ if Peter somehow was able to get her Larry David’s autograph.

Peter made his way down towards the restaurant, as Spider-Man, taking selfies with people and giving high fives the entire way.

Inside the restaurant, it had been almost twenty minutes and still no food. Larry had exhausted all his usual revenues of conversation and now the table conversation was lagging and at a stand still. If Susie wasn’t there, there was _a lot_ he could’ve spoken to Jeff about. Particularly, the nanny thing. Why was she stealing all their food? What was she doing with it? If she wasn't stealing it...what happened to it? Bizarre.

Jeff practically begged him to not bring it up with Susie around. He’d already pissed her off enough about it and he knew if Larry said anything, she would explode like a dormant volcano, probably taking out the entire restaurant as collateral. 

The table was silent. They still didn't have their food. They could hear their stomachs growling. Larry and Jeff made eye contact. Why would the nanny be stealing food? She was paid good. She could afford her own food. Very bizarre. _Very, very, bizarre._

“Look at that. Can you believe that?” Larry said after a moment, gesturing dramatically to the host stand. The look on his face absolutely implied that something was going down. 

“What?” Jeff asked, not bothering to turn to see what Larry was talking about.

Susie’s eyes narrowed, “What? What are you talking about now?”

“Spider-Man.” Larry said, his voice completely deadpan and comically annoyed. Jeff nearly choked on his wine, both he and Susie turning to see what Larry was talking about. The wait staff, and more specifically their waiter, were all crowding around a kid in a red and blue spider suit. Cue lots of fawning and selfies. Cue no focus on the tables. Cue something inconvenient happening to Larry David. Oh, the humanity.

“No wonder our food’s taking so long.” Larry continued, “He’s distracting the wait staff. They’re too busy fawning over that guy like he’s the next coming of the Messiah.”

“You’re right. That’s our waiter.” Jeff agreed and pointed to their waiter, who was currently taking a selfie with the one and only Spider-Man, “That’s completely unprofessional.”

Here it was, the patented issue of the evening. Susie preemptively finished off her glass of wine as Larry continued explaining the social ramifications of what was currently happening.

“These people wait on celebrities every day.” Larry said, “They see _me_ almost every day. It's never stopped them from doing their civic duty.”

“Civic duty? Are you fucking kidding me? He’s a waiter. Not a damn juror. Calm the fuck down.” Susie snapped at him, her wine glass hitting the table harder than she'd have liked. Luckily, everybody was too busy staring at the Avenger in their restaurant to notice. 

“I think you should say something.” Jeff said seriously. Flint meet steel. 

“What? To our waiter?” Larry asked, he grinned like it was ridiculous and sort of amusing, but Susie could already tell he was planning on doing it. Larry laughed, “Should I?”

“Definitely, but not to the waiter. No, say something to Spider-Man. Stop him from distracting people so we can eat. I’m starving.”

"Don’t joke like that. Don’t encourage him.” Susie said quickly, voice boarding on manic, trying to salvage the situation before Larry made a scene. This was definitely going to be a bad note dinner. 

“You know what? Maybe I will.” Larry got up from his seat. Spider-Man was mobbed with people. “I’m doing it.”

Jeff gave him the thumbs up, “Good idea. Show them who’s boss.”

“What the fuck?” Susie was clearly angry now, her voice elevated in angry pitch and eyes like the twin suns on Tatooine, “Have you two collectively lost your minds? _That’s Spider-Man._ He just saved us from dying. _Dying._ You want to bother him because he’s getting some attention? Oh, boo hoo Larry. Just shut the fuck up and wait for your damn food like a normal person.”

Larry shrugged her off and made a beeline for Spider-Man. Jeff turned in his seat to watch the ultimate fall out of this situation, Susie’s glare burning into the side of his head. He was definitely in the doghouse. Oh well, he was always in there for something. 

“You’re fucking unbelievable.” Susie said, shaking her head. She stared at her empty wine glass. It was too bad Spider-Man was distracting the wait staff, she could use another glass of wine. Expensive wine, preferably.

On the other side of the room, Spider-Man was getting mobbed by fancy people in fancy outfits. This was probably his worst idea yet. He knew going into a restaurant in his Spider-Man costume wasn’t a particularly big brain move, but he also knew that if he went in as Peter Parker there was no way Larry David would give him the time of day. He’d probably find it creepy even, that some kid followed him into a restaurant to get his autograph.

Then he'd write it into an episode of Seinfeld or something and he'd call the episode _The Creepy Kid_. Did they still make new episodes of Seinfeld? Peter wasn’t particularly versed in his Aunt’s favorite TV show. He'd have to ask her later.

Halfway through taking a selfie with one of the waiters, Peter spotted Larry David making his way towards him. He straightened up and tried to look professional as possible; as professional as a teenager in a spandex super suit could manage to look.

_Okay, this is it. Make a good impression. This is for Aunt May._

Larry David was giving him a look, standing in front of him ready to grill him for distracting the waiters, when Spider-Man started talking nervously, excited, and rapid fire.

“Hi, Mr. David I’m Spider-Man I’m a huge fan of yours. Well, my Aunt is. She loves Seinfeld. She thinks you’re a genius. Mr. Stark likes your show too. He told me so.” Okay, Peter didn't actually know if Tony liked the show, but he was nervous and got carried away. 

Whatever Larry was going to say was out the window. Spider-Man was feeding his ego? A definite win for a narcissist. Larry glanced back at the table where Jeff and Susie were nervously watching the confrontation unfold. Why was he over here again?

Larry stared and pointed to himself suspiciously, “Me?”

“Yeah!” Spider-Man exclaimed, “My Aunt loves you! I’m sorry for disrupting your evening but can I have your autograph for her. It would really make her happy. My Aunt that is. Not Mr. Stark.” Peter pauses, then, “Not that he wouldn’t want your autograph. I’m sure he would. I just don’t want to assume, you know?”

_What the fuck was going on?_

Spider-Man was holding out his pad of Post-It notes and a pen. Larry glanced back at his table again before shrugging, “Sure. Why the hell not.”

Nobody could tell because Spider-Man was in a full-face mask, but he was beaming underneath the suit. Aunt May was going to be so happy. Best birthday gift ever. 

When Larry returned to his table, Jeff and Susie were looking at him expectantly, “What the hell was that?” Jeff asked, voice boarding on amused laughter, “What’re you some big shot? You’re signing autographs over there?”

“Hey, I’m a famous guy." Larry shrugged, "Plenty of people want my autograph.” Jeff did laugh at that. 

“Yeah, bullshit.” Susie said, clearly not amused by their good-natured ribbing, “What the hell were you doing over there. What did Spider-Man say?”

"His Aunt's a fan of me. I wonder if she's hot. Do you think Spider-Man could have a hot Aunt? Or do you think he's one of those disfigured grotesque guys and that's why he wears the mask. It could run in the family. Would it be weird if I were to ask him for her number?"

“What were you talking to him about his Aunt for? Why the fuck would you ask him about his Aunt?” Susie sounded genuinely confused and offended, “You know what, I don’t even care. You’re a black hole of never ending fucking insane chaos. This is just typical.”

Before Larry could respond, the waiter was back at their table and refilling their wine glasses. He didn’t even bother hiding his excitement at meeting Spider-Man as he refilled their glasses.

“How’s everyone doing so far?” The waiter asked, smiling ear to ear in a goofy happy go lucky sort of way.

“Not good. What’s going on?” Larry narrowed his eyes at the waiter expectantly. Something flashed in the waiter's eyes. The food. He'd forgotten. As quick as the realization was there it was gone again and he was smiling his polite customer service smile. 

“There was an incident in the kitchen. Your food will be out momentarily.” 

“Really?” Larry said, unconvinced, “An incident.”

“Yes sir.”

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact you were taking selfies with Spider-Man?” Larry’s eyes narrowed further, trying to gauge if the waiter believed that himself.

The waiter narrowed his own eyes in response, “No sir. There was an incident.”

They stared at each other, unflinching, until Larry conceded and sat back in his chair. 

“Huh.” Larry said, “Interesting.”

Around the same time that Larry, Jeff, and Susie finally got their food, Spider-Man was back in his hotel room and texting Aunt May.

**Peter 9:30 PM**

_May, I seriously just got you the best birthday gift yet._

**Aunt May 9:50 PM**

_I’m excited! Hope you’re being responsible on your school trip. No unnecessary spider adventures :) Love you Peter -May_

**Peter 9:55 PM**

_Don’t worry, May. I’m being a model teen. No shenanigans. Love you more._

**Author's Note:**

> I was watching Curb Your Enthusiasm the other day and this idea came to me. I absolutely deserve to be beat up over this and I'll gladly take the beating I deserve it. This fic is partially inspired by my failed sopronos & spider-man crossover that I never finished writing.


End file.
